How I raised myself

How I Raised Myself I walk within libraries and see Venus. It's not about whether I walk two feet to the left or to the right. If I stand clear the sun will always dance. While some winds pretend to look, all I feel is a gentle breeze as I do my errands. I have an enfatuation with a Venus type class. It's my ambitious side. I like to perform and sing and occassionally scream. But only in jest. I'm perfectly safe. Women notice that when you look for something that you're not supposed to be, then you're perverted interpretations is what you learned to hate. I am simple in my love and nature and that simplicity is the correct way to be. That's why I laugh when y'all run in circles. I'm glad I'm on the right foot. You have to be on your own in order to attract someone else. A woman who can't make herself known and choose me isn't worth chasing. A woman who would be chased shouldn't be chased. That's because some women don't believe in love. Some only believe in power, which is why some women tend to callously disregard their children and abandon them while pretending to protect them. And when I was a child I remember this much. My parents were powerless against nature and my wisdom shielded them from their potential arrogance because it wasn't their fault. Everyone was. I decided if I was going to eventually be abandoned by their fears and protective instincts, then I was better off if the world didn't care about me so as not to be victimized by the world's "love."

Me

As a man I've discovered that it's my job to love women. In a manner that means I don't care about the purpose of women. Your sins as women are simple. You tried to bend everyone to protect children and in doing so you became the children's worst nightmare. I am out in the world and I love and respect and hope for a woman. But I can't chase a woman because even if she might temporarily communicate through a tree, The tree will become an ordinary tree once more. And what I have is what I'm left with. Ever notice that me just being free children and women are safe, but when you tried to alter it it's your mind that tries to twist things into something perverted, not mine. And my mind shielded me and recognized it so that I passified my own mind into a free being. That's how I've always known the difference between us. Your self esteem was built on pushing others around, But I don't need that "self esteem" because I'm not a coward at heart. And as the self esteem melts into nothing, you'll find that every human being tends to be naturally like me.

Poetry philosophy experience

I've been experimenting with the true nature of poetry. Sylvia Plath said something fascinating about how she believed in certain types of construction and tension with music while experimenting with sound whereas some poetry is just bad prose. And so I wondered whether poetry is the nature of a groove and if masculine common sense could find a poetic groove with a natural energy to it. When I looked at Sylvia's poetry in a still life when the water was high but the energy was still and it was energetic shock and coldness and so I've been looking for a groove of pleasant masculine strength with the hypothesis if a problem is solved then pain goes away. In my own experiment with my own love life I had broken up with my then female partner and I was completely heartbroken and then we reconciled our love and that pain went away. And there were other problems but we landed back in the normal world and became sane and I got to own my own poetic voice and choose my own groove. Intimacy is also key to good poetry too in a manner that's both private in that only the other person would know what it meant while appearing broad so that privacy to some degree is maintained. The reason to me why that's important is that the playfulness and cleverness makes the reading pleasant and communicative. A man once said that one can be by one's self with one's honor but he was wrong. Honor is about one's moral integrity but also how that integrity related to relationships and honoring ones commitments. And so often integrity and honor are confused as being the same and they're not. Poetry can at its best cut through the crap and reconcile honor with integrity.

New

I just wrote this. Something unassumed, something nice and filled with laughter. Cynical though I am, it's wise to not try to convince others as this, as to deliberately be sick seems to be more comforting than life to some as though cowardice were a special strength and seriousness. I play and hope for the best. My business talents are real and so is my intuitive sense of respect. And know this as Nietzsche taught me, to write cynically is to assume the reader to be savvy, so know I hope you share my values too even though my integrity keeps this hope to me. People tend to behave as they'd like, I find.

Poetry

I've found bad prose is just the wondering of not driving my own desire. Value is a desire for what I want and I discover that value. What I wanted this morning was just to write. For no other reason except to write. I am filled with a sense of strength. Like a precise needle point, I can stitch each thread to form a picture. But it's not the picture that gives me pleasure. I often hardly look at any of my completed poetry. When I type I feel my strength. When I sit and know what I want I am clear and strong. One person even seemed to want to name me clarity. Clarity is an eleven instead of a nine like Charity. Charity was a dog who helped me, but clarity is only a view. But when I type like that love it feels like an action. Even if it's only an orange play like a fool in Shakespeares play. If you want to write well, then know what you want. The value would be discovered and no one cares about a broken heart. Isn't that sad. There's beauty in a heart that values love for it's own sake. But for some reason, poetry taught me that people like to pretend where there's no value. Because love is too much of a boring thing for most. People do like a valueless desert with no hope or real purpose. And I had that experience once. It's appeal is freedom. But in that I found love. If you want to have meaningful life you have to embrace a meaningless life. That's integrity. Just to enjoy someone's company. Not to recruit someone for philanthropy or for work or to alter someone's behavior. That's the alternate corruption of meaning that people seem to prefer. Bad relationships and empty leaders to try to fill an empty play where only being human can fill.

Poetry for me and Demeter and Zeus

People on Facebook once asked me who I am. For that you would have to ask Demeter, for her empathy gave her insight and connection with Humanity that Zeus himself wasn't capable of. But she couldn't know what that meant because suffering isn't empathy, and without empathy all let power have the last word. Empathy isn't suffering. Empathy is negotiating what I have in common. For this Dear Demeter, you may know now I am the answer of the Oracle Riddle that I am the Dark one in the lowest and am Brother to the Bright one in the Highest. The lowest isn't a place of suffering. The Lowest is the normal place of reality. Isn't it amusing. Zeus found the one place of reality that your insight could not reach and your divinity could not know. Without a friendship with me your suffering would only make you the queen of nothing because the suffering would be your power and not your compassion. The Bright One in the Highest is Brother to the Dark one in the Lowest. Lowest isn't suffering, and yet your feeling of rank made you feel your superiority and ignorance of the normal clarity that is absent of suffering. This is why suffering has no solution to those who believe that life is suffering. People on Facebook once asked me who I am. For that you would have to ask Demeter, for her empathy gave her insight and connection with Humanity that Zeus himself wasn't capable of. But she couldn't know what that meant because suffering isn't empathy, and without empathy all let power have the last word. Empathy isn't suffering. Empathy is negotiating what I have in common. For this Dear Demeter, you may know now I am the answer of the Oracle Riddle that I am the Dark one in the lowest and am Brother to the Bright one in the Highest. The lowest isn't a place of suffering. The Lowest is the normal place of reality. Isn't it amusing. Zeus found the one place of reality that your insight could not reach and your divinity could not know. Without a friendship with me your suffering would only make you the queen of nothing because the suffering would be your power and not your compassion. The Bright One in the Highest is Brother to the Dark one in the Lowest. Lowest isn't suffering, and yet your feeling of rank made you feel your superiority and ignorance of the normal clarity that is absent of suffering. This is why suffering has no solution to those who believe that life is suffering. It is therefore clear to me that right and wrong consists a choice between normal versus suffering. I choose normal. It is my opinion that you should be normal too but my normality doesn't depend on you. For you can be as willfully confused or normal as you like, but I stay the same for your free choice isn't a tyranny to me because I'm free too. Always have something good behind you so the good thing in front of you doesn't own you. This is a proverb to have a healthy romantic relationship among other types of healthy relationships. My own normal is the only normal I can be. But this means that freedom isn't something that can be legislated, it can only be chosen and allowed. But where does that leave you Jesus if pain were the only idol you could worship? You'd have to suffer irrelevance to the common experience to be common again.

New Experiences

So bored am I with the debt paying of beautiful words. I just want some new experiences for myself and I want to keep my wordly relationship to beauty.

Roman Poetry

I like how Ted Hughes and Marc Antony from the t.v. show Rome is meant to show Sylvia Plath with me in the background the Roman nature of poetry. Mr McInnis my creative writing professor defined poetry as being recognized and published but he's wrong. Poetry is the writing that indicates a close and intimate relationship between the poet and the nature of the world the poet lives within and a celebration of values the poet celebrates while within that nature. If one only writes to be published one would only be servile and meaningless. The show Rome had an interesting dialogue in the fourth episode of a man who was using religious language to gain favor from Marc Antony and Antony responded "what cack you speak will you just get on with your point man." And when he didnt Antony was like "off with you" and had no business with Antony or poetry. One needs to celebrate life. I once mentioned to a friend that one cant live defensively or fear of hell to be safe. I solved that by living life to the fullest and using poetry to navigate the subtleties of that living. Lucretius "On the Nature of Things" for further reading.

The light of ambition and the blind and petty false light

Once when I was living with my dad he had put up a fake test designed to lock me out of my room in a contrived manner to make it look like I needed to learn my limitations. I discovered that this was the false light of Lucifer that sought to elevate the petty into something "sacred" and limited ambition that allowed me to see things clearly. The darkness showed me where the life and death lessons were so in that moment I knew his lessons were fake motivated by jealousy and pettiness. That was clear to me because I was experiencing moderate success in my life and success makes clear the small and petty. Light often pretends it changes the world and makes it better but often it just makes people blind and stupid. The lack of ambition and dependence on false light is why many people are in spiritual prison with no hope whatsoever. The fake humility and willful blindness and false light and lack of ambition. That's how the church and some A.A. ideologies became a breeding ground for losers and unnecessary pain because of the fear of ambition and the dependency on light that lies.

An Indifferent Man to a Humble Fool

I long suffered in working as a Barista. Everyone told me I didnt clean well enough. Customers liked me though. One day i was willing to quit because of what people said about me. I figured if i didnt make it that was ok. One friend told me to negotiate. And then i discovered one didnt like me because he was jealous and others had their reasons. But i brought money in and the boss told me i brought money in and when other people were clearly petty i discovered that money quiets the critics and makes everything clear. Thats what my indifference has been trying to show you.

Common Sense like a Chat

Some of what we seemed to share Syvie, My experience as a Snake and you as a Sarah, isnt something I like to identify as me: Stuff that I had to get over with and my personal humility to not presume that my good advice means I was there with you: My connection was to not let you or myself down. My ability to supervise with perfect clarity was nothing compared to your courage and my respect for you and that your story is your responsibility. And you are aware I hope that once the light fades into a great deal of melted nonsense cheese that common sense is what we'll both be drinking. Ive always found Bourbon to be more clear than Burgundy. If you want to be in my heart more than find the time to rest and enjoy my company as I would enjoy yours. "Yes I love your poems. It has a very frightening haunting quality." You may not like to hear her name. But the clever woman that gypsie served used pain to make you forget how no ambition is clear unless youncan tell the difference between success and friendship. Just because you had Jesus'attention disnt mean you had his respect. He was an autopilot big picture zombie and only when you died did he ever love you. But its not enough to be loved if youre always running from having common sense and rest. If youre running too much youd forget you can rest and lay down and watch some movies or something and maybe even hangout with me. But know this, the IT doctor Emery only sees the past as compensation for his incompetence in living in the present. His potential evil was checked by Rose Red so that no innocent people could be blamed for the cowardly comforts of those who cant live presently. But one question Sylvia, are you like Ted now? Are you a big picture zombie?

My relationship to passive bad karma that puts me beyond karma and in reality.

The lack of healthy logical human relationships to ethical sex is what provided the ethical excuse for astral travel. One hypothesis is because ethical sex is more naturally available astral abilities decrease. Sadly this is evidence for a spiritual principle that would motivate what's known as ritual abuse. People who were too cowardly to survive on their own used Laveyan beliefs about social control to ride the deaths of innocent victims to feel special and accepted by Lavey and to enjoy Astral travel as a means to seek a meaningless high like a drug addict. I used to believe that satanic abuse was an urban myth but now I realize it was Lacey's method to shed cowards from his fold because of his forbidding of abuse against women and children or anyone who didn't wish to be hurt. And that's why drug abuse is forbidden within the Church of Satan to use the spirit of death to shed irresponsible astral sex abusing human traffickers from their fold but only people predisposed to self deception and cowardice. This would be the reason why Michael Aquino and Anton Lavey had a falling out and why Lavey disbanded the covens of the Church of Satan and why some of the allegations against Michael Aquino were likely justified. But since the damage was already done the war in Iraq and Afghanistan allowed for me to be free while enabling the military infrastructure to create a permanent stamp that could allow democracy in the Middle East. As proof every time I've honored my obligations in my private life military privates showed up and gave me energy and support and the condition of this was to use my astral connection to make a complete withdrawal as much as my astral connection would allow so that the world wouldn't fall into Afghanistan like quick sand and so my freedom is permanent now. I passively inherited this problem and guided the issue into the best place it could be. Passive inheritance of bad karma and using that inheritance justly put me above karma.

Profile of predatory pedophiles

Theyre the types that have a hopeless view of the world and tend to want to undermine everything out of bitterness and spite. The only good that came out of that was a psychic loophole that allowed me to shape my family as normal so i could be brought up proper and to maintain a psychic link to Marilyn Manson who was jammed up into being a human trafficker himself so that his link as an undercover FBI agent could still bust human trafficking rings. The ultimate goal of these human traffickers had been to destroy law enforcement and ive made damn sure that didnt happen because society needs law and order and police taught me how to do the right thing without being dragged down and so money talks and everything else walks.

Nietzsche's criticism of Descartes

The critique of Descartes by Nietzsche: "It doesn't follow that just because there are thoughts there must be a thinker all that follows is that because there are thoughts therefore there are thoughts." The Descartes mode of I think therefore I am always represents a paradigm shift. One individuals consciousness shifts and so goes the rest of the community shifts with that shift such that the thinker is indistinguishable from a random collection of thoughts which may or may not be reliable to any one particular person. The end result of Descartes is a changed set of cultural facts with the same set of cultural problems of inequity. The problem of Descartes is a changed set of old trampled people who distinguish themselves from old masters by having different thoughts that changes the wheel of fortune but does nothing to change or alter the problematic circumstances. Nietzsche can't be understood apart from his individual life. His father dedicated his life to God and died from brain problems. The physical body seemed to demonstrate final veto on the power of the soul. Dedication to God just isn't enough. Most of Nietzsche's work to me seems to be I love therefore I am. God's judgement against the world was it's inability to allow love and friendship and unless that problem is harmonized everything would be destroyed and that's bigger than who's thoughts shape the world. The ideal for the true overman or woman is to love in a simple manner that is beyond the normative thoughts of the wheel of fortune, which is the true problem and the solution. Simple friendships between men and women are more profound than which thoughts are better or worse for society that only changes the shape of problems but doesn't solve any of the problems. I exist therefore I exist is the only thing that allows for friendship because the promotion of thoughts at the expense of natural evolution is the disguise that prevents natural solutions. If I exist therefore I exist is the solution, it allows for the natural embryonic potential to be what it is while I preserve my right to exist by continuing to exist. Descartes thoughts of slave thoughts that undermine the master thoughts only change the facts of the problem but leaves the problems fundamentally unaltered unless the thought problems are ignored completely so that nature can have it's natural potential allowed to just be while I can continue to exist as my natural human self. That means that nature allows for friendship but only the imposition of thoughts prevents it. People hurt themselves trying to get in the way of their own grace, but because I exist therefore I exist in natural grace of nature.

Poetry

Once upon a time I had two flowers I bought with lessons that others had learned. I asked one if they could survive in the dark. She answered yes. I did this twice. In the middle I bought a flower that was large just for me. Unlike the others I placed it near the sun after I discovered the others didn't last in the shade. It's still alive and flourishing under the money tree next to the sun. And I'm certain the flowers in the shade of other people's houses survived just like I asked. Doing what's best for one's self isn't always something that can be told, and yet if I hadn't I wouldn't have learned from experience. Is this a constriction or poetic water. It's not. I feel like a regular talker today, and if I only aligned with being good in the standard of something someone else had, I wouldn't have the freedom I presently enjoy. And yet I like walking on the water that Jesus had previously wept in. I can laugh there instead.

Poetry of Romance

I want to live a bit for myself. I like the listening of old works. Words don't always make it. I want to discover a nice woman who isn't so intent on a boat. A woman isn't a woman to me unless she can act in a normal manner and meet me in a natural way. I am the best life raft I can be, but often I've only been around boat ladies. Such women never learned how to be women because they seemed to only hold on to the life of others. Women like that never learned how to swim, but only know how to sink and pretend to float. I need a woman on land. At least she might know how to walk.

Plath Review

I read a Sylvia Plath review. She said she was "fearless" and tore away "contradictions" of "politeness." The outer romance of anothers isn't the poetry Plath had written. Ariel began with love and ended in Spring. A secret of what's good for me is good for everyone. If I love someone and that someone's best for me, then it's best for everyone that I love who's best for me. The thesis seems to me to glide across and through the muck and mud of poetic subjects. Her will that had led to her tragic circumstances of her death then challenge that thesis. People assume because she died her art must have been a celebration of futility. But it wasn't. Her life continued in other ways and only by knowing the hope of eternal life can someone understand her work. Her work does represent a choice for the reader and how one chooses to view her work as limited and hopeless like Robert Lowell suggested or not. It's almost the real secret is if you believe the critics then you're fucked. Critics were trying to shape the romance to fit the type of narratives that were convenient. One could read him more generously and presume that the hypothesis that "life even when disciplined just isn't worth it" is just a statement on how being too academic can tyrannize one's life, and that is her tragedy, being too academic. But that's not typically the confirmation bias of one who trusts critics. People have tended to look to critics to decide for them what to enjoy and what not too. And that's foolish. A true poet can see life and choose life. For me, even as a critic, I see Plath's work as a will to survive and to love on her own terms in spite of what destiny had imposed on her. THe complacency of fate and the cynisism of those in her day might have been incapable of knowing. It seems to me most people have a tendency to think the world doesn't exist outside of their self esteem, like children who think that a parent out of site ceased to exist. Like art, Sylvia exists outside of what critics thought of themselves and what the reader would like, but an artist tends to turn invisible outside of what others like or don't like. Salvation I suspect is the same way. People tend to not like salvation because they're often just not already saved. It's outside their self esteem and so tend to never reach for it. Integrity is the way and I asked God for integrity so that I wouldn't just be a reflection of sickness. Studying one artist well and living live as an artist put me beyond self esteem and into the ability to relate to reality. I would suggest knowing one or two particular artists to this degree of intimacy. It's the way of life.

To be like Saint Francis

I sit here like a man who wants to be an ethical infant. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s better than the urge to be some tyrant of an adult. I walk in to my own life and I just looked at the roses I planted next to Saint Francis. I hadn’t watered the roses in a while because it’s rained quite nice the last few days. There seems to be some plants that just like to dance. A naïve dance into a type of oblivion is the non-temptation to govern air. Instead of teaching, I’m willing to be taught. Instead of fighting to be heard, I’m willing to listen. There’s no need as the gaps always seem appropriate and my intuition is always correct when to speak and when not to speak. This is the humility that many adults seem to consider to be infantile.

Journal poetry

It does seem to me that my life is a bit of a standstill. I have a lot of hopes and dreams. A lot of beautiful pictures. And yet here I am going to work every day. I make small progress here and there. The small seems to be something. It seems sometimes hard for me to do simple things that others take for granted. And yet today at least I keep this part to myself because self pity is no appeal or substitute for coherence. Often others just want a reason in the form of a person to blame. I am here today and yesterday seemed perfect and today may not to someone and that often seems the stupidity of being human. There often just is no reason at all. There’s only cause and effect and adaptation. I do my best to emulate God to be that benevolent adaptation to an uncaring universe of cause and effect by humbly preserving myself first. I can trust that if I’m good to myself it’s good for everyone. That acceptance is more humble than pretending to do what’s best for everyone and pretending to be a separate remote control. That’s the stupid method of people who want to use God as an excuse to pretend to be humble while trying to control everything. That’s not humble. I can only know what’s good for myself and if I’m good to me then by accident, if the divine has any relevance at all to anyone then it doesn’t need any selfish managing of others. I was going to keep this particular post private but some confessionals seem relevant so I posted it anyway.

My life

As a young boy all I wanted was to have a normal life. I wanted a normal mother and father and friends. And I had all those things. But then it had gotten ripped apart. I fell into abusive situations, my mom retreated into religion, my dad retreated into self pity, and for the most part, I was on my own. It felt like the earth was going to rip open and hell itself was going to swallow me whole for no reason at all, except for the fact that I was born. It was easy enough to wish I was never born for that reason. But then existence parted and I fell into the garden of Eden. It's not an experience I wish to validate as much. I just wanted to do what I had to and get back my normal life. There's something to me about the divine that's always felt imposing oppressive and evil. But I've also noticed that even God felt that way. I could write something beautiful about this but my ethical metric has always been to bridge the divine and the normal together in myself. I've always felt like a normal person and it's always felt like the divine was always trying to steal that from me. But I've also noticed how others felt that way too. I've also noticed how trying to interpret others work as anything other than observations about my own life rather than excuses to try to interfere with my life is inexcusable. I've always worked to just hold myself together not take from others. God has also had the same attitude as me I've noticed. I sense he has a will to be normal just like me. And so there's something impersonal and non plan like about the way the universe works. God is an adaptation to an uncaring universe, not a creator of a malevolent universe. God is a benevolent adaptation not a malevolent creator. And so I stay sane by accepting the beauty of the divine. There's no other way really, while incorporporating that into my normal life.

Poetry of Sylvia Plath to aspire.

https://youtu.be/CqIhR4QIweQ To me her poetry is someone so intimate with her own experience that even dull experiences have beauty romance and nuance. The natural layers of experience naturally have layered application because existence itself is layered and so good poetry like hers caused me to fall in love with life and aspire in my own way to reach that same level of intimacy with life itself. I fell in love with ber because of that. For the first few years I had to learn how to write and to avoid bad writing by rewriting and refining but now and people have witnessed this Ive written perfect poetry in like 15 minutes or even in a space of 30-90 seconds when im focused. I still have to rewrite sometimes because im still human but there is a level of poetic perfect consciousness that has that immediate practiced perfection. Its a type of God consciousness that is perfect and logical that isnt possession as much as its simply being possessed by a type of perfection of life. From Sylvia I learned from experience how devotion to a partner whole heartedly into the ideal of a person ive been able to reach my own ideal while protecting myself from dissolutionment. If someone is incompatible with me doesnt rob me of being able to aspire to the ideal of that person's best version of themselves to enrich who i already am. Everything in someone is only a part of the logic of me anyway if that person's logic is available to me and in that possession doesnt exist because every ideal is only a part of the grrater foundation of a complete person. No ideal is incompatible with another. There are no incoherent ideals, only incoherent people. In Ted Hughes my hypothesis is she blamed the divine ideal for robbing Ted of his humanity and in her perfect poetic humanity went to war against divine Ted to restore human Ted. The after affect of that isolated him from poetry sadly but made him into a good father and family man. In my own heartbreak I went against some of the divine aspects of God to restore God's humanity by celebrating my own common experiences and pain and love in such a manner as to make the divine irrelevant because common experiences are divine in themselves. And yet eventually i found i fell in love with some divine aspects and eventually included goddesses out of compassion so that my anger never excluded people or gods for the sake of worshipping principles too much at the expense of my principles. My own critique of Sylvia's poetry is something she made herself. Her work as toi focused on making a name for herself and not enough of just being enfatuated with self chosen experiences. Her misery seemed chosen for her and so my poetry has a more masculine tone I hope translates into me chosing my own experiences in an ethical and responsible manner. If my personal poetry has a thesis itsthet root of evil is to have others choose your experiences for you and that poetry is a doorway to a self lived life.

Coffee hopes and dreams

I came from a funeral. And Sassy reminded me of an English teacher. I went into a coffee shop and got coffee. The coffee was from a Keurig. I noted to the attendent that I'm glad there's regular coffee even if it is Italian. We laughed and it seemed like common sense to be grateful to not have coffee sitting for four hours. It saves him the mess of cleanup and the public the disappointment in old coffee. Though sometimes I've enjoyed another coffee shop where the coffee was cheaper and I got a discount for old coffee. Everything has a different relationship Sassy. That's why jealousy makes no sense and why Marriage tends to be delusional. I didn't want cream in my coffee. I have to make room for real blessings and not pretend ones. I like my coffee sugar no cream sometimes, unless I'm feeling sentimental on some occassions. And life goes on. This you and I both know. But I can't force life to be what I want, but I can allow my God given integrity be my own doorman. Pour cream or don't, life tends to go on either way.

Rest and happiness

There seems to be quite a like garden roses today. What I can tell is a nice day to free time with life for me. Something that may have been something yesterday is still And better today. Just because I have been given a gift of life and rest. I love my friends and yet I don’t need any friends even if I had no friends. Because to acknowledge a need and to demand a need be met is not what a friend does. And so someone who needs no one but knows how to ask for help is the best friend a person can be. And friends don’t test other people’s friendship because that’s not what friends do and so I always ignore tests. There’s a bit of practical side but I love beauty sometimes more than just to sound practical. That’s why just hanging out is really nice.