My life

As a young boy all I wanted was to have a normal life. I wanted a normal mother and father and friends. And I had all those things. But then it had gotten ripped apart. I fell into abusive situations, my mom retreated into religion, my dad retreated into self pity, and for the most part, I was on my own. It felt like the earth was going to rip open and hell itself was going to swallow me whole for no reason at all, except for the fact that I was born. It was easy enough to wish I was never born for that reason. But then existence parted and I fell into the garden of Eden. It's not an experience I wish to validate as much. I just wanted to do what I had to and get back my normal life. There's something to me about the divine that's always felt imposing oppressive and evil. But I've also noticed that even God felt that way. I could write something beautiful about this but my ethical metric has always been to bridge the divine and the normal together in myself. I've always felt like a normal person and it's always felt like the divine was always trying to steal that from me. But I've also noticed how others felt that way too. I've also noticed how trying to interpret others work as anything other than observations about my own life rather than excuses to try to interfere with my life is inexcusable. I've always worked to just hold myself together not take from others. God has also had the same attitude as me I've noticed. I sense he has a will to be normal just like me. And so there's something impersonal and non plan like about the way the universe works. God is an adaptation to an uncaring universe, not a creator of a malevolent universe. God is a benevolent adaptation not a malevolent creator. And so I stay sane by accepting the beauty of the divine. There's no other way really, while incorporporating that into my normal life.