An actual diary blog of my internal self indulgent me

I can start a story with an I wish. Lately the imaginative side has been somewhat practical, and so what I wish is something more normal as long as the wish is just sarcastic. Wouldn’t it be nice to celebrate a day by going to the coffee shop? I could see an old female friend there. She would be reading and look up and be happy to see me. I also have a sense of restraint due to my hard trained courtesy and spiritual training, but look forward to controlled spontaneity. The energy that’s the most natural right now, even if I’m meant to be with Sylvia, seems to be most directed towards Jamie. I see her and I feel a bit nervous because, well, things hadn’t always been the best between us. Or even if they had, the sorry state of the world made the best look pathetic. She seems to have a habit of defining a great relationship by a great story. I can feel that quiet part of her voice in my brain. But it’s all empty isn’t it. That’s because relationship satisfaction isn’t from reading, it’s from talking. When that had stopped and you almost lost it you didn’t go read a book to make that emptiness go away now did you. What I’ve learned is how to talk to my environment. I used Jamie as a model and learned to talk to trees and bushes and flowers and cats and dogs. I never feel empty. Emptiness is the difference between starvation and feeling full. Feeling fulfilled and satisfied is what satisfaction is. You weren’t fed by me being hurt or by any scream or any type of revenge. You were only satisfied when we got to talk again and enjoy each other’s company. Music doesn’t do it now does it. It can for a little while but only like spare cheese so we don’t starve. It’s not bacteria either. There’s something about people we love most determines our appetite. Maybe to a certain extent it is like bacteria. I trained myself to talk to adults so my soul craves adult female companionship. Marilyn Manson had talked to children so his appetite got corrupted. But don’t worry I’m not praying for you. Just an observation. Be a pig for all I care in the worst way. It doesn’t harm me. It harms you though. And you have an opportunity to change your appetite if you change yourself right but I’m so fucking cynical I half expect you to fuck yourself over for the sake of pride and I couldn’t care less. The innocent ramblings of an adult. I’m rich and safe and strong and with just the right amount of salt. I’m perfectly seasoned for a lover and a friend, but I don’t have either yet. Friends aren’t just common interests. I do have one of those friends. There’s all these half ass ideas of friendships that seem designed to say it’s ok to not hang out and do what normal friends do like just play scrabble and respect each other’s private lives. Most people in their soul starvation probably don’t even know they crave this but often don’t have it for one of three reasons. Either they don’t have the skill or they don’t have the courage or they have both and just hadn’t had the opportunity to connect with old friends or make new ones. Or maybe a fourth reason. They might just be recovering and hope to reunite with me some time. I’m so cynical though I barely remembered to give people that benefit of the doubt. The benefit of doubt always seemed like a waste of space for fake thoughts. Courtesy tends to fill that gap anyway by letting people confirm themselves and providing space for them. Holding space for a good opinion of them ironically might keep them from being able to show up. Good opinions ain’t shit anyway. Bad opinions are just as worthless. Opinions tend to just be the inability to hold space for others in a healthy and respectful way. If you knew how to act you wouldn’t have opinions of specific people. Unless of course it’s just acknowledging space for yourself and your own feelings. That’s different because it’s just holding space for me. And sometimes it just bursts cancerous bubbles of opinion anxiety caused by social incompetence. This is how I think guys. Now you don’t have to wonder how my mind works when I think of you. But this is only half the story. You go on the internet and find some random snippit of something encouraging I said and you’ll find that’s true too. How I think is to hold space for people. Most of my best opinions are public and their just as genuine as these opinions. People tend not to like cynicism because it means other people exist and it isn’t about them all the time. Likely the fault of some infantile narcissism that seemed to had been pervasive in society the last few years. If you allow me to have space for myself in myself it means you’re inadequate perhaps because you don’t know how to hold space for people and let other people hold space for themselves. But that’s a pretty big fucking tantrum to try to resist that. Which goes back to what I call infantile narcissism. If you learn to hold space for yourself and others you’d have to give up feeling special in order to have a good and healthy life with trustworthy friends and a stable career, but maybe that’s not special for a narcissist with infantile disorder.