Love

 You said you wanted to decrease the feeling and be a dutiful wife.

You say it's me being selfish to hope or expect otherwise. 

But it's a logical union that neither me or you can separate. 

It is clear that it seems that between life and pretentious appearance, you do seem quite pretentious. 

At least that's the choice you seem to make. 

But that doesn't matter. I have no choice but to love you. 

It's the logical bind and I enjoy the union because I'm healthy. 

I benefit from this and it's a wrench in your works. 

You took that unfairness to mean I decided that. That I could rearrange it if I was fair. 

But that's not possible. It's not possible to rearrange it. It's not a possible union that can be escaped. 

That was never the case with us. At the moment we fell in love it was either love you or let everyone burn in hell forever. 

That truth hasn't changed. No matter how unfair life may be, it just is what it is at it's most basic form. 

Neither caring about how you or I would prefer to rearrange logical impossibilities. 

You always seemed to like to make me the one to tell the hard truth. It made you sympathetic and you got to glean comraderie from people who don't know any better. 

You got a glimpse of the futility in 1962 but preferred to forget. I would too, probably. And I did for about 13 years I got to pretend that you didn't exist, that I didn't exist, and that nobody needed anything from either of us. It showed me a truth about how futile it is. 

The bottom line is that I suspect that having the wisdom of grace made you think that you could control this grace or that grace, or help this person or that person, when the truth is you can't help anyone anywhere. The people you help were already meant to be helped and you just played the role. Just like me. 

But that addiction seemed to drag you down and the attention and praise let you pretend. 

You like this though I bet. Unpleasant truths no one else will tell you. Most you might find would prefer to sing along all the way to hell and play the victim when dogs come to collect. And all the while you might think you're doing them a favor by letting them. 

These are hard truths. I've seen them first hand that people would prefer that. I noticed that I preferred that too. It's not fair to expect one person to have the entire weight of existence on one person's shoulders. No one wanted that job. Social skills as a god made me have that job against my will, except that I wanted to survive. Still do of course. But no one is better than anyone else, and most people crave just being dead weight due to the futility of it all. A bit of hope and some nice words do brighten a person's day. But then they have to pay bills and live life and deal with people. 

No one can save anyone. 

So save yourself. Whoever's meant to be saved will float your way. 

I really crave to say nice things to you. I want to say lovely praises and gifts and all the flowers that you deserve. That you've given me. But your needs aren't my needs. 

That's the fallacy of quid quo pro. 

Man I would love to hug you but you don't need me to hug you.

I would love to give you flowers and give you all the adoration you clearly deserve, because you are obviously beautiful. 

But you've made it clear you don't need that from me. 

You give me love because it's clear I need that from you and I gratefully receive that love.

I am a lover who likes to love a woman. To cook for her in the morning and play with a partner in the world. Ask any woman who's ever dated me even a little. 

But you tend to push that away from me and demand precision instead. 

It's passion and it feels good, so it is a gift. And in reading this that passion can read as respect and power that can shield you if you let it. It's all you'll let me give you it seems.

That might change for the better. But that's not up to me. It has really been annoying for you to close yourself off and made me look bad giving you the exact love that you needed and asked for. 

That's not much fun, but it's what you needed. Because life isn't fair it's arbitrary in it's blessings and pain.