Sympathy

 "Youre just looking for sympathy!" "You just want attention!"

Ive heard these things growing up. I looked for sympathy because i needed it and deserved it. I looked for attention to actually gain some relief from the abuse I was suffering in high school. 

But when I listened to that advice I stopped focusing on how much i was starving for love and affection and the world felt freer, and the indifference of strangers felt like a welcome relief. So I went for years occassionally suffering abuse for my traumatic weirdness and periods of feelings of isolation and loneliness with occassional pats on the back telling me how brilliant I was. Praise, even when true, doesn't really change a situation. At least not at first. It helps to shape learning behavior to see ones potential and to feel like that potential is welcome in the world. That's a nice feeling.  But praise in and of itself is worthless. If you want proof read some of your old homework assignments where the teacher told you how smart you are when reality is most real. That praise wont mean nearly as much. Although ive been guilty of reading old recommendation letters that got sent to nowhere that told me all about how awesome i am and that was better than feeling depressed and alone let me tell you. 

Nature brings that to us though. Ive found i cant control the opinions of others and others often have no control over who they appreciate and love either. Theres a determinism in that that has nothing to do with reputation at all. 

It wasnt my sense of ambition that made me feel good. It was my feeling that i was a human being connected to other human beings that made me feel good. 

I was in the dark just barely coming out of some intense pain and healing and i still had some fight and bitterness in me. I said something about Sylvia Plath's writings in some context or another and then he said "she suffered a lot." And if he had said that in a way that put the focus on her and not me that would have been something I was used to. But he was speaking in code. He said i had suffered. And he said it with sincere sympathy and care. I was speechless and just looked at the ground because i was accustomed to believing that no pain i felt mattered and felt like the world kept calling me a mistake and calling me evil. 

I was so numb I didn't know how starving i was. That one word of sympathy just stopped me in my tracks completely. Noticing someone and expressing care for no reason is a powerful and healing act. If i had stayed in that bitter mindset i wouldn't have made it past Atlanta. 

I think i was almost back in that numb state. Maybe thats why I was writing this. But i didn't get that flash of love or sympathy from someone. I have been supported and allowed to just exist so that ive been able to be more open and honest lately. Some of the dark posts ive written lately reflect a kind of surgery of being able to safely express that energy, and that was so healing. 

Once those feelings are allowed to exist this type of compassion and recognition of others tends to flow more naturally. That's what i wanted for Jamie in hindsight, although that was impossible then. I wanted her to have this level of honesty and freedom. Selfishly because she had it for a moment and she was really nice to hang out with so i didn't want to lose her companionship, and knew if she reverted back to whoever she was she wouldn't be my friend again. 

Honest acceptance of some meaninglessness and inner darkness being allowed to breath actually makes friendship possible. It makes assertiveness and boundaries easier to manage and accept. It makes people easier to understand and deal with. It makes the world safer in general. 

I didn't care about fetishizing your darkness Jamie. I just wanted to be your friend and without this that could never happen. 

Apart from that is that ive been saying to people about me and Skyla that "your pain isnt the same as my pain" or "you dont know how it feels to be me" type of Tom Petty bullshit. 

The fact is thats only true if pain has an agenda. Like I know how you feel so shut up I have it worse. Or i know how you feel so you should support my cause. That kind of nonsense. Pain that climbs never wants to know how others feel because "my pain is special" type bullshit. Thats a fallacy for those who hide from their pain by accomplishing shit. It had this or that or that purpose and i have a special relationship with God/nature/love etc. so my pain is special and meaningful unlike yours. 

And thats such self absorbed bullshit. At the end of the day youd hear the same loneliness and pain from the guy at the grocery store is the same pain a special person feels. Purpose hides it and light counterfeits it (i feel this pain cause im so happy and blessed.) That might be partially true, but underneath that is the fear that none of those special experiences actually mean anything and that youre really not as special as you think you are. 

That's that pain. Thats an ache everyone feels and knows how that feels. 

If someone says they know how you feel thats what they mean, as clumsy as their speech might have been. 

Their meaninglessness and hurt wants to find comfort in common understanding. Wanting to feel special keeps good people away. 

And there's nothing wrong with drive and accomplishment. It gives genuine healing that sympathy just cant offer. But be careful with that type of closure. As soon as you start thinking everyone else are just "weaklings who need sympathy" who arent as "strong as you" thats when youd lost it. 

Sympathy is the unspoken wine served at the best parties.