To an unnamed secret crush

 If you stopped to think about it, ive been saying no to being with you because youre still a bit crippled. Right now you're likely just shopping to replace one crutch with another, and at best i can only either be a tether when you're sick or a companion with youre well. 

Im nothing to you in between.  

Im just a clever to youre needful car just like everyone else anywhere in your in between spaces. 

But to tell you the truth in the most loving distant way possible the reason why no one likes you or perhaps me for that matter is that you are incapable of love and only depend on control and manipulation to survive. 

Its not your fault. Its the nature of our disease. The only reason perhaps me and you can love each other so well is an accident of entropy and mutual inescapable dependence. If you untethered yourself completely you would die. And neither of us wants that. And even though it is an accident im proud to love you anyway. For what thats worth. 

The even deeper truth is that before us no one was capable of loving anyone. It was the symptom of a world wide disease. Some had codependency to pretend they could love someone else. Some had money and was able to pretend that temporarily supporting someone else was the same as love. 

But no one loved anyone. Except perhaps my own family due to them being behind me and you are also ultimately one of the few actually capable of love. 

Perhaps I acknowledged your deepest fear first " that youre not capable of love" even though youre one of the very few people left on earth still able to love, is because you needed to empathize with others. 

You were still popular at the time and didn't know it. 

I was unknown and a mystery so no one actually loved me. It was better to put that on you while you still loved me and could forgive me and so that pain could transform into perfect clarity before the bitterness and munchoisen pride strategy closed your eyes with fake friendship forever. 

I didn't tell you before partly because of spiritual timing issues but I would be lying if a part of me hasn't been afraid that the best part of you had died already. 

You are my favorite person. And I still keep a distance because either youre crippled and need to get well or youre permanently crippled and I want to keep the best part of you alive inside my heart. 

There is a part of me thats part female in intuition because my first instinct when confronted with your challenging energy out here that may have been intentional or by accident was to revisit that sound again. And i guess that meant youre still hurt by that argument even though it was like 17 years ago. 

You put that wound on top of my real wound to protect me and i always understood that.

You're definitely an awesome person. But lack of companionship is strange. The lack of friendship feels shameful like there was something wrong with me even though there wasn't. 

But the sad fact is the only part of you capable of loving me is to know your own limitations and to respect your health and mine by just commit to getting healthy and not trying to be with me right now. 

You might be afraid that no one likes you but i promise you that most people like you. You just got so used to pain and rejection you stopped talking to people so as not to confirm your worst fears. If you settle down, people will love you.