The pain of being me

 I wanted to put that that way in the form of self pity. The reason is that the lesson of pride and dignity suggest that a person shouldn't talk or feel compassion for their own pain because someone else has or had it worse. That feeling compassion for one's own loneliness were a form of ingratitude or ignorance. 

In social terms this makes sense. No one likes the guy at the party always looking for sympathy and dragging others out of their feel good vibe. No one likes that guy. I remember because when i was immature I was that guy once. 

On the other side of that ive seen women feel like compassion for ones self was a sin because it stops their train cold because that urge for love is so strong. 

Thats really the difference between me and women. If one looked at the suffering and fucked up porn a guy might have the mistaken view that women were oppressed and needed rescuing, but thats not what that is. Thats the manipulative aspect. Porn is a two fold debt women paid. Rescuers tend to be abusers who hide from reality and perverts are perverts. Thats the culling side of that. 

But theres also guys who are heterosexual who are just good guys who need sexual rest without hurting themselves wanting a partner. Without porn how would a guy have a clear view of whether he genuinely loves a woman or if he just needs sex. Too much withholding sex as power created an imbalance that lead to women being hurt not helped. 

Porn was a debt that was paid so that women could be more liberated and free. 

Porn is a point of pride for completing that cycle. 

Pride is the feeling. Pride in finishing a climb and a feeling of accomplishment and closure. 

Thats what porn actually represents to women. 

But back to the difference between my experience with Sylvia and me. Her pain and suicidal tendencies tend to be mitigated by pride and feelings of accomplishment. The climb. 

Im her twin so i have struggled with similar feelings at times in my life but the root of it was different. 

The wisdom I was born with is that there actually is no climb at the heart of it all. 

I would go through light. And light for me is happy relationships, and then i would experience a death energy that harmonized my lessons astrally back to the earth and then find the relief of reconciliation. 

The deeper lesson is that freedom friendship and life and joy and happiness is impossible without waste. Everyone has a logical room of self thats only filled by their entity. And every movement is limited by that logical confine. 

Thats why god complex style is delusional. 

Genius is also impossible without the flow of waste. Logic is impossible without the empty space that waste actually represents. Without waste nature itself wouldnt be able to exist. And people are a part of nature. A lot of even the human rights abuses and some of the most horrible things isnt the person doing it as much as nature cleaning and purifying her waste. 

The only way a person can prevent human rights abuses in their lane is to ignore the abuse and to elevate the lessons. That removes the utility of pain that gave those lessons form. 

At the best part of my life i get to hang out with people. 

But the shadow sad side of my life is that my wisdom represents long periods of nihilism that allows waste to run its course. 

When i met Sylvia she was shocked at seeing my reality and i actually experienced sympathy from her, which I definitely didnt expect. 

She was like "I went through all that pain yes but at least it was always obvious that it was meaningful and that i was getting to a better place. You on the other hand had a much harder time of years of desert and meaninglessness and feelings of love starvation. That made me sad. To have to carry those lessons across the finish line was pretty sad i bet."

When i felt those thoughts I didn't expect any sympathy. My experience has always been on the borderline of death pride and isolation and the lessons that made hopeful climbers clearly all too sad futile to me that i couldnt tell them. 

And so that is why i take more solace in love and friendship than accomplishment. Because that type of pride is the sad delusion of the climber that i cant afford. 

Love and sympathy goes both ways hun. 

Because nothing to me is sadder than honest loving human beings chasing climbs that lead to nowhere that waste their beauty on a god that doesnt exist.